Finding Joy After Sexual Abuse.
You know that moment in life when somebody asks you about your future plans and you know exactly how to tell them that you have absolutely no idea what you're doing in life? Yeah, me neither. Everything is about as clear as mud. I don't know what's going on and I'm exhausted from trying to figure out God's plans for myself. Not in the "I give up on life" sense of it, but more in the "I give up stressing over things I have no control over" kind of way. Believe me, it's for the better.
That phrase right there, the "I don't know what's going on" phrase, was one that haunted my thoughts for years. Before, I was petrified to let "not knowing" rule my life, but in those moments of fear, that's exactly what it did. I was scared to admit that I didn't know what I wanted to do in life, I just knew my feelings. It wasn't until I broke down about two months ago that I finally let God have it; I told Him how pissed off I was, how sick and tired I was of feeling afraid and damaged, and after all of that, I told Him that He needed to take it away from me because I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life getting emotionally drained every time my past came floating back up to the surface. You know those moments of passion when you tell someone off and scream and yell and tell them how you really feel, with veins popping out of your forehead? And then that moment right afterwards when it gets quiet and you're heart is beating like crazy, you're tired, and you're just waiting for their response? That happened as well. But the response wasn't what I was expecting. I was expecting a victim-response; a response that makes you feel bad for expressing your feelings and how hurt you were. My initial thought was that I should apologize for saying what I said, or basically discredit my own feelings, which is what I normally do when I tell someone how I feel, because I'm afraid of losing them to my opinion. After a second, before He said anything, He just gives me a slight sympathetic smile; one that makes you feel okay for what you just did, or one that gives the impression that the person is proud of you. What God said next is what floored me. He said, "I know you think that you hurt my feelings by being honest, but you didn't. I knew what I was doing when I got into the people-business. I'm not an idiot. I'm not the least bit shocked by your feelings. I'm just glad this day has come. I know your potential and the incredible things you will do and the people you will help, I just needed YOU to see it first and not accept anything that is outside the perimeter of My vision for you. I'm ecstatic that you admitted how you're feeling because you can finally do something about it and move forward with my plan. The timing is perfect because you're in the perfect place and I've got the perfect plan to help you. Before we go any further though, you need to know that it's not going to be pretty, in fact, it's going to be hell. But remember, I'm right here with you." You know the saying, "When one door closes, another door opens--but there's hell in the hallway"? Well I'm now in the hallway and the door just locked behind me. I have a hallway full of doors and I won't know which one leads me out until I explore each room. This is one of those moments when you have to choose to see the light at the end of the tunnel and keep faith in His plan.
For me, the doors I had to go through were the same 5 stages of grief somebody experiences when they suffer a loss. But the biggest step was accepting these to be very real. It's different for everybody but I believe it's crucial to come to terms with.
Door 1: Denial
For 15 years, I lived in denial of the fact that I was sexually abused when I was 8 years old. I didn't want to think about it and I most certainly didn't want anyone to know about it, especially since it went on for a year or so by a kid I grew up with who was a couple years older than me and someone who I trusted. I didn't know what was going on, because I was 8 years old for Gods sake. But all I knew was that he was my "friend" and maybe this is how "friends" act. For 15 years I was living under a lie that told me I deserved to feel ashamed of what happened to me--like it was my fault and that I should never talk about it, but live as a result of it. And that's exactly what happened. Growing up with eight other siblings who all had their own issues, basically just being kids and teenagers, all of this went under the radar. As a parent, when you have teenagers who are smoking pot and getting in trouble in school, I'm sure it's easy to not notice that your middle child is being sexually abused by a neighbor, even more so when a situation like this is manipulated into looking like a secret that will get me in trouble if it is revealed. To show how much denial I was in, I couldn't figure out for the life of me why I didn't have any close guy friends even in high school. I was well liked by everyone, but I didn't trust any guys. And looking back on it, it was a couple years later that I dropped out of soccer and baseball. I spent all of high school hanging out with the chicks because they were the only ones who could be trusted.
Door 2: Anger
When high school rolled around and girls became the center of attention for myself and other guys, thats when I first started to become angry. During my freshman year, I had a shockingly large amount of girls interested in me and I don't say that to sound conceited or cocky, just mainly to point out that girls liked me because I was nice to them. I remember particularly getting angry when other boys flirted with them, not in a jealous way, but in a "I don't trust you and if you touch them, you die" sort of way. Most boys who are fifteen don't really think like that. I didn't understand why I didn't trust even boys my own age to talk to my girl friends. While I had hoped for the best for people, I also wanted to punch any guy in the face who talked about a girl in a disrespectful way, like it was my responsibility to protect the girls from such monsters. This only made it more difficult when my close girl friends got into relationships with terrible guys. I had to come to terms with the fact that I was a really angry person on the inside and that in order for me to move on, I had to make myself trust guys and their intentions, whether I'm right or not in the end.
Door 3: Bargaining
Bargaining in this situation is filled with a million "IF ONLY" scenarios. "If only I was smart enough to not put myself in that situation", "If only I had spoken up to an adult about it", "If only I was man enough to fight him off". It might feel like a good idea to do this and put yourself in a place that makes you feel in control, but it won't help. It only puts gasoline on the fire. There's nothing you can do now but control your own thoughts and actions from this point on.
Door 4: Depression
I was in so much denial about my childhood that when I went through a season of depression, I had no idea what triggered it. Looking back on it now when I've started to deal with my past, I see everything so clearly. I know why I struggled with so many insecurities in high school. I know why I hated guys. I know why I had such a deep sadness for other people who had been sexually abused as kids. But at that time, I couldn't see it from my current perspective. All I could see was a dark cloud floating over my body. Mental illness has been very real in my life, not necessarily my own struggle, but in other people. I feel it on them whether they think they hide it well or not. And while I sympathized for them and with them, it took such a toll on me. Being a teenager is hard enough, but throw in shame and guilt and you have yourself a ticking time bomb of emotion.
Door 5: Acceptance/Forgiveness
This is the last door that you must encounter before things start to look up. Not everybody reaches this door. Many people get so engulfed in the emotions of the last couple doors that it's too much to deal with any longer. Bitterness is an equal opportunity destroyer. It collapses any chance of feeling real joy again. And realizing this wasn't as simple a task to complete than I imagined. I thought that by this door, I would be rolling over the hill and joy would be like free rolling on the grass. I was right, joy is the part past the top of the hill. But before you get to the descending (easy) section, you have to make a decision that no one, not even God, can make for you. You have to forgive the person who hurt you. I've already accepted that these things happened to me and that they affected my life for the last 15 years, but for me to get my life back, I have to use the free will that Jesus died for me to have. While reading The Supernatural Power of Forgiveness by Jason and Kris Vallotton, this quote from the book changed my life, "Unforgiveness is a relentless taskmaster that guards the dungeon of past offenses. Forgiveness is a choice, but it's not an option for anyone who wants to live a joy-filled life. It's important to remember that forgiveness is an act of the will, not an act of the emotions. Therefore, you cannot measure the depth of your forgiveness by your feelings. When Jesus forgave us for all of our sins, He gave us the power to forgive everybody who's wronged us. We know when we have truly forgiven, because we no longer want the one who has wronged us to be punished."
The Last and Final Door: Joy
I've debated about whether or not I should share my experience with you all. Talking about molestations or any other abuse isn't an easy or comfortable topic to discuss. It wasn't until I was truly able to forgive the person who hurt me and find real joy that I was able to feel good about writing this. I didn't want to write it out of anger, but solely out of hope for others and with God's blessing. It's important and crucial in today's society. Too many people suffer their entire lives because they're afraid to speak up and talk about their feelings and past, in fear of rejection. I was scared for so long that this might change the way people look at me, that it might make me look weak. It's okay if they look at me differently. But vulnerability is missing in our society and looked at by men as a weakness. And that's where men fall. They fall because they're expected to always be macho and hide their feelings because feelings are for girls and that the manly way to act is through being violent and full of anger. I know I'm meant to help people, so when I asked God what I needed to do to start on that path, He told me that I NEED to be okay with being vulnerable with people, especially other guys, and to continue doing what I do which is talking about the uncomfortable things.
Over the past few months, I've had a number of people tell me that they had a specific word from God for me, that word being "Leader". So after the third and fourth person gave me the same word, I thought about what it could mean, with no answer. Then last night while I was at church and we were in the middle of worshipping, I asked God to be clear about what it meant. So He did. Instead of the word being solely about me, it was about my entire family. I've shared before about my family struggling with addictions, depression, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse. But the picture He showed me was each of my siblings and parents being leaders one way or another in our daily lives. Leaders so powerful that we save the lives of thousands. I asked Him how that could be possible, looking at my family history and the demons we've dealt with and the struggles we've had. He then showed my family as an army of God with the "armor of experience" and the "weapons of vengeance" against the devil. Each of us is a survivor of the breath of Satan, but it's those who have been gripped by his slimy hands personally that enables us to detect and destroy him before he captures another innocent soul. We know how Satan talks, the way he moves, how he thinks and where he'll go looking. God showed my family as an army that isn't afraid to lead His light into the dark corners of the world. I asked Him what I was to do first. He said to share my story. And while it's scary and uncomfortable, this post alone will begin to bring hope and persuade others to speak up, move forward, and get help. He showed me a scene of people being set free from a lifetime of shame, guilt, and pain.
God Bless!
That phrase right there, the "I don't know what's going on" phrase, was one that haunted my thoughts for years. Before, I was petrified to let "not knowing" rule my life, but in those moments of fear, that's exactly what it did. I was scared to admit that I didn't know what I wanted to do in life, I just knew my feelings. It wasn't until I broke down about two months ago that I finally let God have it; I told Him how pissed off I was, how sick and tired I was of feeling afraid and damaged, and after all of that, I told Him that He needed to take it away from me because I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life getting emotionally drained every time my past came floating back up to the surface. You know those moments of passion when you tell someone off and scream and yell and tell them how you really feel, with veins popping out of your forehead? And then that moment right afterwards when it gets quiet and you're heart is beating like crazy, you're tired, and you're just waiting for their response? That happened as well. But the response wasn't what I was expecting. I was expecting a victim-response; a response that makes you feel bad for expressing your feelings and how hurt you were. My initial thought was that I should apologize for saying what I said, or basically discredit my own feelings, which is what I normally do when I tell someone how I feel, because I'm afraid of losing them to my opinion. After a second, before He said anything, He just gives me a slight sympathetic smile; one that makes you feel okay for what you just did, or one that gives the impression that the person is proud of you. What God said next is what floored me. He said, "I know you think that you hurt my feelings by being honest, but you didn't. I knew what I was doing when I got into the people-business. I'm not an idiot. I'm not the least bit shocked by your feelings. I'm just glad this day has come. I know your potential and the incredible things you will do and the people you will help, I just needed YOU to see it first and not accept anything that is outside the perimeter of My vision for you. I'm ecstatic that you admitted how you're feeling because you can finally do something about it and move forward with my plan. The timing is perfect because you're in the perfect place and I've got the perfect plan to help you. Before we go any further though, you need to know that it's not going to be pretty, in fact, it's going to be hell. But remember, I'm right here with you." You know the saying, "When one door closes, another door opens--but there's hell in the hallway"? Well I'm now in the hallway and the door just locked behind me. I have a hallway full of doors and I won't know which one leads me out until I explore each room. This is one of those moments when you have to choose to see the light at the end of the tunnel and keep faith in His plan.
For me, the doors I had to go through were the same 5 stages of grief somebody experiences when they suffer a loss. But the biggest step was accepting these to be very real. It's different for everybody but I believe it's crucial to come to terms with.
Door 1: Denial
For 15 years, I lived in denial of the fact that I was sexually abused when I was 8 years old. I didn't want to think about it and I most certainly didn't want anyone to know about it, especially since it went on for a year or so by a kid I grew up with who was a couple years older than me and someone who I trusted. I didn't know what was going on, because I was 8 years old for Gods sake. But all I knew was that he was my "friend" and maybe this is how "friends" act. For 15 years I was living under a lie that told me I deserved to feel ashamed of what happened to me--like it was my fault and that I should never talk about it, but live as a result of it. And that's exactly what happened. Growing up with eight other siblings who all had their own issues, basically just being kids and teenagers, all of this went under the radar. As a parent, when you have teenagers who are smoking pot and getting in trouble in school, I'm sure it's easy to not notice that your middle child is being sexually abused by a neighbor, even more so when a situation like this is manipulated into looking like a secret that will get me in trouble if it is revealed. To show how much denial I was in, I couldn't figure out for the life of me why I didn't have any close guy friends even in high school. I was well liked by everyone, but I didn't trust any guys. And looking back on it, it was a couple years later that I dropped out of soccer and baseball. I spent all of high school hanging out with the chicks because they were the only ones who could be trusted.
Door 2: Anger
When high school rolled around and girls became the center of attention for myself and other guys, thats when I first started to become angry. During my freshman year, I had a shockingly large amount of girls interested in me and I don't say that to sound conceited or cocky, just mainly to point out that girls liked me because I was nice to them. I remember particularly getting angry when other boys flirted with them, not in a jealous way, but in a "I don't trust you and if you touch them, you die" sort of way. Most boys who are fifteen don't really think like that. I didn't understand why I didn't trust even boys my own age to talk to my girl friends. While I had hoped for the best for people, I also wanted to punch any guy in the face who talked about a girl in a disrespectful way, like it was my responsibility to protect the girls from such monsters. This only made it more difficult when my close girl friends got into relationships with terrible guys. I had to come to terms with the fact that I was a really angry person on the inside and that in order for me to move on, I had to make myself trust guys and their intentions, whether I'm right or not in the end.
Door 3: Bargaining
Bargaining in this situation is filled with a million "IF ONLY" scenarios. "If only I was smart enough to not put myself in that situation", "If only I had spoken up to an adult about it", "If only I was man enough to fight him off". It might feel like a good idea to do this and put yourself in a place that makes you feel in control, but it won't help. It only puts gasoline on the fire. There's nothing you can do now but control your own thoughts and actions from this point on.
Door 4: Depression
I was in so much denial about my childhood that when I went through a season of depression, I had no idea what triggered it. Looking back on it now when I've started to deal with my past, I see everything so clearly. I know why I struggled with so many insecurities in high school. I know why I hated guys. I know why I had such a deep sadness for other people who had been sexually abused as kids. But at that time, I couldn't see it from my current perspective. All I could see was a dark cloud floating over my body. Mental illness has been very real in my life, not necessarily my own struggle, but in other people. I feel it on them whether they think they hide it well or not. And while I sympathized for them and with them, it took such a toll on me. Being a teenager is hard enough, but throw in shame and guilt and you have yourself a ticking time bomb of emotion.
Door 5: Acceptance/Forgiveness
This is the last door that you must encounter before things start to look up. Not everybody reaches this door. Many people get so engulfed in the emotions of the last couple doors that it's too much to deal with any longer. Bitterness is an equal opportunity destroyer. It collapses any chance of feeling real joy again. And realizing this wasn't as simple a task to complete than I imagined. I thought that by this door, I would be rolling over the hill and joy would be like free rolling on the grass. I was right, joy is the part past the top of the hill. But before you get to the descending (easy) section, you have to make a decision that no one, not even God, can make for you. You have to forgive the person who hurt you. I've already accepted that these things happened to me and that they affected my life for the last 15 years, but for me to get my life back, I have to use the free will that Jesus died for me to have. While reading The Supernatural Power of Forgiveness by Jason and Kris Vallotton, this quote from the book changed my life, "Unforgiveness is a relentless taskmaster that guards the dungeon of past offenses. Forgiveness is a choice, but it's not an option for anyone who wants to live a joy-filled life. It's important to remember that forgiveness is an act of the will, not an act of the emotions. Therefore, you cannot measure the depth of your forgiveness by your feelings. When Jesus forgave us for all of our sins, He gave us the power to forgive everybody who's wronged us. We know when we have truly forgiven, because we no longer want the one who has wronged us to be punished."
The Last and Final Door: Joy
I've debated about whether or not I should share my experience with you all. Talking about molestations or any other abuse isn't an easy or comfortable topic to discuss. It wasn't until I was truly able to forgive the person who hurt me and find real joy that I was able to feel good about writing this. I didn't want to write it out of anger, but solely out of hope for others and with God's blessing. It's important and crucial in today's society. Too many people suffer their entire lives because they're afraid to speak up and talk about their feelings and past, in fear of rejection. I was scared for so long that this might change the way people look at me, that it might make me look weak. It's okay if they look at me differently. But vulnerability is missing in our society and looked at by men as a weakness. And that's where men fall. They fall because they're expected to always be macho and hide their feelings because feelings are for girls and that the manly way to act is through being violent and full of anger. I know I'm meant to help people, so when I asked God what I needed to do to start on that path, He told me that I NEED to be okay with being vulnerable with people, especially other guys, and to continue doing what I do which is talking about the uncomfortable things.
Over the past few months, I've had a number of people tell me that they had a specific word from God for me, that word being "Leader". So after the third and fourth person gave me the same word, I thought about what it could mean, with no answer. Then last night while I was at church and we were in the middle of worshipping, I asked God to be clear about what it meant. So He did. Instead of the word being solely about me, it was about my entire family. I've shared before about my family struggling with addictions, depression, suicidal thoughts, sexual abuse. But the picture He showed me was each of my siblings and parents being leaders one way or another in our daily lives. Leaders so powerful that we save the lives of thousands. I asked Him how that could be possible, looking at my family history and the demons we've dealt with and the struggles we've had. He then showed my family as an army of God with the "armor of experience" and the "weapons of vengeance" against the devil. Each of us is a survivor of the breath of Satan, but it's those who have been gripped by his slimy hands personally that enables us to detect and destroy him before he captures another innocent soul. We know how Satan talks, the way he moves, how he thinks and where he'll go looking. God showed my family as an army that isn't afraid to lead His light into the dark corners of the world. I asked Him what I was to do first. He said to share my story. And while it's scary and uncomfortable, this post alone will begin to bring hope and persuade others to speak up, move forward, and get help. He showed me a scene of people being set free from a lifetime of shame, guilt, and pain.
God Bless!
I appreciate this being shared and it speaks to me in many ways about dealing with my past and moving forward in God. Thank you for the courage to step out.
ReplyDelete