Moving On After Pain: Breaking Down The Walls Of Your Past

A little over two weeks ago, I shared with you all about my experience with sexual abuse as a child. While accepting what had happened to me was one of the greatest break-throughs in my life so far, it was far from pretty. Since then, I have experienced an outpouring of love that is beyond what I could've ever imagined. I know God has placed incredible people in my life, and therefore, I knew I was in a safe place when accepting my past and sharing my struggles with all of my friends and family. I didn't know what kind of reaction I would receive from people, because people deal with these situations differently. I wasn't expecting people to jump out of their seats and run towards me with open arms, not because I didn't think they would, but because I know some people don't know how they should react. I had friends call and tell me how sorry they were but didn't know what else to say. And that's okay. Sometimes you don't need to say anything, just showing that you're there is enough. And it was.

Now I wish I could say that the process of healing after this has been a walk in the park, but I would be lying to you. It hasn't been easy...at all. For the first few days after my last post, I felt a lot of weight fall off my shoulders. I felt a lot of joy and peace. At the same time, I knew there was more I was going to have to deal with. God was giving me a few days to relax before the next step. In my mind, I was hoping that since I fully forgave the person who hurt me, I would magically be happy again. That would only happen if I was mysteriously able to forget everything, which hasn't happened either. Life would be so much easier sometimes if we could predict how things would turn out.

One thing that often occurs after someone forgives the person who hurt them for an extensive period of time is that while they no longer feel angry towards that person and no longer seek justice, they forget to deal with the habits and negative ways of thinking that they picked up in between the beginning and end of the ordeal. We set up fences that weren't from God. Just because you consciously took a step of faith and put your need for revenge in God's hands doesn't necessarily mean that you won't have to put the sweat and tears into breaking those walls down and become whole again. For me, that looked like 15 years of believing lies that had nothing to do with me, yet at the same time affected every decision I made in the course of my life until now. 

Shame is an equal-opportunity destroyer. It acts as your friend, but leads you to believe that if anyone was to find out what happened to you, no matter what it was, that they will no longer love you and find you as an embarrassment. It sits in the back of your mind and says that whatever may have happened to you will push you past the point of no return and you can never be noble in God's eyes. Shame convinces you that you are the exact opposite of God's view of you; that you are worthless and disgusting, that you are incapable of trusting and being trusted, that you will never find love. "Fear of rejection feeds the monsters of our soul and shackles us to the serpent of old. If we don't come to Christ as we are (with our baggage, bondage and brokenness), then we never experience His unconditional love. This leaves us feeling like we have to perform for His acceptance. However, if we come to Christ as we are, and He loves us in the midst of our sin, then the shining light of the Lord brings wholeness to our entire life. Fear of rejection and the shame that once took us hostage will be broken off of us as we embrace His incredible grace and our new nature in Christ."

One by one, I have to go through the list of lies that I have gathered over the years and break them down. They don't belong in my life or anywhere near me. The only thing they are accomplishing is holding me back from God's plan for my life. One thing I noticed in my friends and family who have been in abusive relationships is the low standards they keep. The level of respect they have for themselves is no higher than the level they keep for the men/women in their life. Kris Vallotton, a pastor at my church, describes it this way; You teach people how to treat you. If you live in a house that has dishes everywhere, the carpet is disgusting, you're furniture is in ruins--then most likely your guest will feel comfortable putting their feet up on your coffee table because it looks like you could care less. But if your house is tidy, your windows are clean and you have coasters on your table--then your guest will most likely not put their feet up because they will feel like they are disrespecting your home. If you don't believe you deserve an incredible man or woman as your companion, you're going to settle for the first person who shows you attention. It may feel nice to get the attention you were never given before, but that will all wear off eventually and what you'll be left with is a person who will suck the life out of you and tear you down. You become fully dependent on them for your happiness and that's an enormous amount of pressure that will break down any strong, respectful person. 

Growing up, I was led to believe that my happiness would come from how much money I make, the type of job I have, the amount of "likes" I receive on a Facebook post, how many friends I have on social media, the people in my life and the car I drive. I've discovered that I couldn't be more wrong. I spent high school creating a life online that tried to imitate the Facebook lives of those I follow online. Not only did it never fulfill me, but every time I saw someone post on Facebook, all I could think about is how much more awesome their life must be than mine. I lived for the "likes" but wouldn't open my heart to God if he came knocking. There are two types of happiness; temporary happiness and eternal happiness. Temporary happiness is affected by the things around us, it changes with our circumstances. It shows up when we are stress-free and have everything going smoothly in our life. But unfortunately, our circumstances are constantly shifting which leads our happiness to leave the second negativity shows up. Eternal happiness is happiness through God's love for us. It never changes. It's there even in our darkest hours and helps us see the light at the end of our tough times. It's the peace that is in reach when nothing seems possible. We can only find true happiness in Him.

It might seem like an easy task to put all your happiness in God and not seek the little things we've been led to believe will make us happy. But it isn't. It takes a lot of discipline. Learning to transition from putting all your happiness in people to completely in God is a little intimidating, but it's less hurtful. I'm not saying you can't trust people, but you can't put all your happiness in them without being disappointed because no matter what, they're only human. They can't fill you up the way God can. But if you make the mistake of replacing them as your source of happiness, you'll be left broken and depressed. No matter how much a person inspires you and how great of a role model they are, they still screw up once in awhile..and that's when you're reality can be totally shaken out of whack, sometimes to a point where you're left so damaged that you find it almost impossible to trust anyone again. That's why we can only rely on God to fill those positions and voids in our life.

Recently, I have put this test into first gear. For so long, I've based my decisions in life solely on the money I bring in, as if money controls me. I'm not telling you that being financially stable isn't important, but it doesn't determine your path with God. There's a difference between being financially stable and depending fully on being financially stable. I believed that the only way to be happy was to make money. So while I was 22, I worked about 65 hours a week for nothing. Sure, having money can make things less stressful, but it didn't fill the voids in my heart that only God had the power to fill. At Starbucks, I'm a shift manager. I'll admit and say with as much modesty that I'm a fantastic shift manager. I know what I'm doing. But in my heart, I knew I didn't enjoy it. I love being a barista, but once again, I felt that in order to be successful in life, I had to move up the corporate ladder no matter how much I didn't enjoy it. That isn't God's plan for us. Sure, the path might not be filled with rainbows and butterflies and soft white clouds, but His plan isn't for us to expect that that's all we can expect. We need to expect more, but sometimes do less for less money. When I transferred out here, I was told that I would have to step down and be a barista, and I was really excited about that. But when I arrived out here, I was informed that they made a mistake and I would in fact be a shift manager. Something in me was okay with it, but the other part was disappointed. But I stuck with it anyway. A few weeks ago, while dealing with everything the last few weeks have brought on, I asked God what I needed to do in this moment. Instead of giving me a direct answer, He asked "Well, what do you love right now?" And right away I said "I enjoy being just a barista for the time being. I want to come to Starbucks and make drinks and enjoy my job, not deal with stressing over corporate things and sending people on breaks and worrying about doing stupid orders and counts and food pulls because I no longer looked forward to coming to work because of those tasks. He then goes "Okay, then step down from your shift position." Immediately, my response was "Ha! Yeah right! I can't afford to do that with rent and a car payment and all my other expenses." He then says, "Trust me." So I did. A few days later, I went to work with the intention of telling my manager that I was going to step down, which I was beyond nervous about because I didn't want to cause any trouble. I just wanted it to go smoothly. When it came time for my ten-minute break, I started walking back there to talk to him, then the phone rang. It turned out to be a girl from another store who was looking to move to Redding to attend the school of ministry and was looking to transfer as a shift. After my manger talked to her, I asked what it was about and he told me. Unfortunately he had to turn her down because there weren't any shift positions available. That's when I go "Weeellllllll, actuallllllly" with a smile. He got the hint right away that I wanted to step down and so he called the girl back and offered her the position. Talk about God making that easy for me. And as it turns out, I'll barely be taking a drop in pay while making this transition. God is so good!

So this is my current location on His blueprint of my life right now. I am so blessed to be here with the people I'm surrounded by. It's all about trusting Him with your entire self. It might be difficult but it is totally worth it in the end. I've started to pick up that as I go through my dark storms, there's something that I learn during each one that God encourages me to share with you all. I hope this inspires you to keep moving through your storm. 

Stay blessed!

"There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5